I will try to fix you.

Fall 2011 is by far, one of the worst semesters I've gone through. I know I've said this before, but I'm saying it again. I have never been so dejected about academics, so overwhelmed by my workload, and felt so suffocated in my entire academic life before. Sometimes I think I've bitten off more than I can chew, and that I'm overestimating my abilities. Sometimes I don't think this, I believe this. Then I think back to the past 20 years of my life, and I realize that I have actually been through worst patches before. Of course at this current point in time, I'm gonna feel like this is the hardest I've ever been through. And then 5, 10 years down the road I look back at this period of time and I'm gonna think, hey it isn't that difficult after all. I guess over time priorities change - and while academics now may be the biggest source of pressure and stress for me, soon it's not gonna be anymore. And many years down the road, I know I'll be wanting to relive my academic years again. My results are fine - satisfactory I'd say. I've surpassed my own expectations on several counts. And while my results aren't fantastic and there's no way they're gonna get me on the dean's list (not that I really want to..), it's not the results that are bugging me. It's the workload that is. I used to think I had a lot of resilience and I could take stress pretty well, but now I realize that I probably don't. I think that the older I grow, the weaker I become. Haha.

I'm home alone now and truth to be told, I'm afraid of the night. No, I'm not afraid of darkness or whatever that lurks in the dark. I'm afraid of myself - in the day I could always keep my demons at bay, but not in the night. Never. I feel so helpless and defenseless against my own thoughts at night. They attack me mercilessly, reminding me of stuff I long thought I had forgotten or repressed. They come to me relentlessly, and I question myself over and over again. "Why did I do that? Should I do that? I know I should stop doing that but..." and they just keep coming to me over and over again.

I just chanced upon your photo again. Sometimes I wonder if I 'chance' upon your photo by accident, or is a subconscious part of my mind doing such stuff deliberately? I told myself to stop doing that, and I succeeded for a week, and then.. I don't know. Curiosity got the better of me and I succumbed once again. It's stupid, I know it is. And I'm fighting the urge to do it again. But sometimes, I really can't. I guess this is what they mean when they say that the flesh is willing but the spirit is weak. I always find myself subconsciously typing your name. Sometimes I want to talk to you, and find out how you've been. But I'm not gonna do that anymore. I did that last year only because my emotions got the better of me. But I think I've grown up a little more now, and I'm putting my emotions at bay. I am not gonna let my emotions rule my head and let me do something that will do me no good. So I chanced upon your photo again. And it reminded me of how I fell for you two years ago.. Our silly moments together, how we'd laugh at all the stupid things together and so much more. Sure it was a short period of time we had together because I stupidly and cowardly chose the easy way out, but sometimes I relive those moments as if they just happened yesterday. It's funny isn't it? Two years on, and I'm still thinking about you, about this. "If you still talk or think about it, it means you still care about it." Yeah maybe I still care, but not in the same way anymore. I guess it's just curiosity at how things would have turned out if I hadn't chosen to give it all up. I think I've had enough with this stupid thoughts - they're getting me nowhere, and I'm just torturing myself more and more. So today, the 9th of October, I vow I'm really not bothering anymore. I know I've said this countless of times and I've failed to do it all the time, but I mean it this time. I swear I'm not gonna do that anymore.

But then again, things like that make me realize that I've so much to be thankful for :) I'm thankful for Grandpa Chow, who never fails to listen to me and encourage me when I'm down. Although I can be really mean and bitchy to him, he's always ever patient and understanding towards me. And I am really thankful for that. Because if I were him, I wouldn't even tolerate all the nonsense that I churn out all the time. All the moping, unhappiness and more that I bring about. If I looked at myself from a third person perspective, I'm sure I wouldn't like myself very much. And that says a lot, doesn't it? I don't think I've ever seen anyone with the amount of patience that he has. Slowly pacifying me, trying to make my day better with all the things he says to me. I know I'm blessed and I really can't ask for more :) So Grandpa Chow, I know you're reading this! I'm thankful for you, and I'm thankful for everything you bring along with you. Your kindness, your patience, your longsuffering-ness (hehe this is supposed to be mine!), your efforts and so much more. You're a true gem, and I'm thankful to have you. Thank you for putting up with all the crap I bring along. I know it isn't easy dealing with my emotions, but you've stuck through with me all this while, without snapping. You goad me with sweet and encouraging words, cute little photos and so much more. You've brought me from the brink of despair to where I am now. Yes I admit I'm still (sometimes) depressed and all, but you've no idea how much you've done for me. And I love you for that :')

Enough of the sad rantings, here's a happy little news for y'all, if you've managed to complete the whole chunk of words above heh! I've gotten my details for the photoshoot and I've signed up for the one on the 28th of October, which will be coming soon! I'm a little excited since I don't know what to expect, but I hope it'll be fun! (:

AND I promise photos in the next post! I'm trying to clear my blog debt (hardworking blogger yo!) and I'm uploading my USS photos nowww! It's a lot of photos though so it's gonna take really.. Long.. Hahaha.

If you've managed to read the whole chunk above, you deserve some love. Here you go! xx

"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you."

- Fix You, Coldplay