I think that as I grow older, I learn to deal with disappointment better. I know that it sounds like I'm stating the obvious but this just dawned on me. Maybe it's our defense mechanism kicking in? So it eases the fall. 'Cause I don't think that our defense mechanism's fully developed when we were kids.
When I was a kid, I'm pretty sure that each time I was unhappy, disappointed, angry, or just facing any negative feelings, I wouldn't hesitate to hide it in. I mean who could blame me? I was a kid, after all. You don't expect a kid to have EQ, or to learn how to keep their emotions in check, do you? You smile when you're happy, and you cry or whine when you're unhappy or you want something to go your way. You don't think twice about expressing your unhappiness. Maybe that's why we fell out so easily with our friends last time, but we made up at an even faster pace. "I don't friend you already!" haha, I remember telling many people that when I was a kid. But the next day, we'd be playing away happily as if nothing happened the day before. Life was much simpler back then.
Life is always simpler when people didn't have to be wary of their feelings and actions - when people didn't judge you for saying and doing what you wanted. I used to look forward to growing up.. Not anymore. I guess everyone has to face the realities of a harsh world and I'm starting to learn how cruel the world can be. I am ever thankful for the people I have close to me whom I know will always be there for me and will never turn their back on me. But sometimes it's hard 'cause we're all human and humans tend to disappoint. I think I tend to disappoint people (quite well) at times too.
Sometimes when I look at my life, I realize there are so many things that I could have done a different way. I wished life had a replay button, or a delete button - but unfortunately, this isn't the case. A hard truth I had to admit is that I think I'm my greatest disappointment. Just like how I think I'm my greatest memory. When I look back at my life, I realize that so many things could have gone another way. I am who I am now, and where I am now, because the old me made those decisions. Don't get me wrong - I think where I am now is a fantastic place, and if I were a tad shameless, I'd even say that I believe some people would like to be where I am. (Okay, this sounds really shameless, but please don't take it the wrong way.) But when I look back at my life, and I look at the goals I have set for myself from the start, I realize that I'm actually a really long way off from my ideal life. Pipe dream? Maybe. Maybe it's just not meant to be. I have also come to the realization that if things are predestined, there's no fighting against 'fate'. Fate is what people call it. God's will is what I know of it. I am not complaining about having to follow the path God has set for me - I do know that he makes all things beautiful in His time, and He really truly wants only the best for me. But I guess it's human nature to question the divine and to insist on things going their way.
I actually don't know where this post is going anymore. It's really just a jumble of my thoughts, and I've actually deviated from what I really wanted to say. Sigh oh well!
And I really, really need a motivational exercise buddy haha.
My wish is to go somewhere quiet alone without anyone. Maybe just me and my iPod and my camera to sort out all these thoughts in my head.
Have a good weekend, x
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