I'm giving up on whatever we have (or what I thought we had) and this time it's for real.
I don't wanna hang on to something that doesn't even give me assurance. Yeah sure, you used to give me the sense of security. But now? It's just doubt, doubt and more doubt.
I don't wanna hang on to something that doesn't even give me assurance. Yeah sure, you used to give me the sense of security. But now? It's just doubt, doubt and more doubt.
It's like I'm tired of having to read your mind and figure out what you want..
So I'm leaving. I'm getting out of your life. Maybe you can use this period of time to think through what you really want. Otherwise, stop saying one thing and doing another. Or rather, stop leaving things hanging and disappearing, then appearing again to make things complicated.
Things are so complicated and confusing now I don't really know how to put it into words. Can I even use the word 'us' now? I don't think so. It used to be us, but then now it's probably just you and me. Two separate entities, two different individuals. Who have nothing to do with each other. Just so you know, I don't think there's anymore space left for regrets.
I keep telling myself I'm not going to bother about you anymore and when I finally resolve to do it, you come stumbling back into my life. What is this? I don't need this. I don't need you to do this to me. You're making my life a mess, you're making me miserable. You used to be my source of happiness, now lately it feels like all you're bringing me is confusion and complication and uncertainty. I don't know what to do with you and I anymore. I want to give up. Half of me wants to, half of me doesn't want to.
Every single day, I've to remind myself with the fact that if you wanted to talk to me, you probably would have done so already. Some nights I just wait in vain and wait for your text to come, but it never comes. You know the feeling of excitement every time you see a tiny envelope appearing on your screen, but then feeling your heart sink 3s later when you open the text to see someone else's name? I wonder if you feel that way. Because I do. Each time it's 10pm, which is the time your texts normally come in, I get so excited each time I feel my phone vibrate. But yet this excitement turns to disappointment when it isn't the name I wish to see.
"I know I have a heart, because I feel it breaking." -The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Every single night, I think about you, and my heart aches. What did I do to deserve this? I don't know. Your blowing hot and cold, and your uncertain actions. What did Monday mean to you? What did every thing you did that day mean to you? I still remember your sheepish face as you apologized to me when I caught you doing what I hated you to do. And after that, your subsequent actions? They probably meant nothing to you but they meant so much to me. To be honest, maybe Monday was a mistake because it only served to confuse me even further. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But hey, I told others about what you did, and their independent views concurred with mine. So what's this about then again? Or maybe you just don't know what you want.. Maybe you're just as confused as I am. Maybe you're scared. Maybe. I don't know. I shouldn't even be finding excuses for you.
Everyday, I've to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would. Which is why I don't really take the initiative to text you anymore. Because I'm scared I'm bothering you. Because I can't read you through texts. I can't mind read. I can't play mind games. And it's funny how when you don't text me for one day, you'd always manage to text me back the subsequent day. But yet it makes me wonder, do you text me because you miss me, or because you're bored in camp and you need entertainment? There's a whole world of difference and truth in the answer you pick. I once read on Tumblr, 'When I text you, it means I miss you. When I don't text, it just means that I'm waiting for you to miss me.' Get it?
Maybe you don't need me in your life anymore. And if that's true, if you don't need me, I don't need you too. It scares me how much I actually care about you and think about your feelings so much. Someone commented to me 'wow, you REALLY like him huh!' and I didn't know what to reply. I can't figure out if I really like you, or if I like the idea of you. Yet another big difference huh? Because I realized, most of the judgments I'm making are based on whatever we shared in the past. Maybe you've changed. Maybe I've changed. We've both changed. I don't know.
I've been whining about this for so long I think all my friends are tired of listening to what I have to say. Even I am tired of it too. I'm tired of trying to have to figure out what you're thinking, and I'm tired of trying to read you. I don't like this. It's too complicated. You're not complicated, so why are you trying to make things difficult and complicated for us both?
I wrote down 10 reasons why I like you. Reading it brings back memories. Good memories that I don't ever want to replace.. But reading that reminds me of what we are now and it makes things complicated all over again. I don't wanna torture myself anymore, so I guess I'm going to leave it as it is. I even thought of all the stuff I want us to do together, just you and me. So well. The ball's in your court now, and I'm leaving it to you. Inaction or action, your call.
Maybe I'm trying to lie to the whole world and deceive my own heart when I say I'm getting out of your life, but truth is, I'm going to do it. It may be hard, it may lead to regrets, but it'll probably be for the best. It's not gonna be easy, but when I really give up, you can't accuse me and say that I didn't fight for you. I did, I fought for us, but maybe it just wasn't enough.
"Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought... Hopeless and disappointing." -A Cinderella Story (2004)
Are we really going to let go of whatever we have?
No comments:
Post a Comment