It has been a long time since I last seek refuge here. Writing will always be cathartic for me. Where do I even begin? I know no one reads this space anymore; all the better because I want to pen down painful memories and all my negative emotions to remind me that if I've ever been this low and bounced back before, then I am resilient and there is nothing I can't achieve.

So.. Where do I begin?

Year 2016 has been a crazy year of sorts. Ended 2015 on a bad note and started 2016 on an even worse note. As I type this here on 03/04/2016, everything still feels like a joke to me. My life.. Feels so foreign to me. This was not the life I expected; this was not what I intended my life to be. It seems like the older I get, the worse my handle on my life becomes.

This was not the life I expected.. Ah, expectations once again kills me.

I haven't been single in a long, long time. I have plenty of baggage; it's unfair to whoever dates me. I lash out at people I love, I lose control of myself and my emotions, I go crazy when I am misunderstood. All I really wanted was to be understood.. But what did I get in return?

Even saying this hurts.

I try and try so hard to be happy but it's just not within my grasp anymore.

What have I done wrong? I have become so negative, so unhappy, I don't recognise myself anymore.

Maybe it's high time to make time for myself, recharge myself, and love myself (if that's even possible).

I'm so damaged I don't know if I am worth saving anymore.

When will I ever learn? When you put someone at the centre of your life, everything turns to shit the moment they are gone.

So many what ifs..

What if I hadn't done this, what if I hadn't done that, what if everything was different now?

So many what ifs.. So many (unanswered) questions, so many things boggling my mind.

I am so unsure, so confused, so uncertain.




And most of all, I'm so scared this isn't what we want.

:(

The moment I realized I lost you forever, that was worse than having a knife plunged into my heart, repeatedly. I gave up whatever good that we have because I wavered and I was unsure, I gave us up because I was tired of trying, and I was weak. I thought you would always be there for me, ready to take me back into your arms should I come running back, but I was wrong, so wrong. How stupid and naive could I be, I really don't know. All the promises we made, all the memories we forged together, it's all going down all because of me.

Today I realized I've lost you forever, and there's nothing I can ever do about it. And knowing that.. Knowing that kills me more than anything else.


I can't fight these demons, not anymore, not on my own. I tried so hard, so damn hard and all it took was an accumulation of these things to just kill me all over again.

I can't do this anymore.

Never knew why, each time I'm in desperate need, I turn to this little space as an outlet for my feelings and thoughts. I haven't blogged in perhaps three months, not because I haven't had the time to update, but because.. I don't know what to write about that is a big milestone enough to share with people.

Wish I had something positive to share, but most nights I end up in a pensive mood, with negative thoughts consuming me. Sometimes these emotions spiral out of control and I can't quite keep myself in check.

Tonight is one of those nights, but no idea what pushed me to type my jumble of thoughts in this tiny space. Maybe because if I didn't find an outlet to release, I would be pushed over the edge? Ha, I don't know.

Life is so weird. Never thought that at (nearly) 23, I would still be grappling with the complexities of life and I would still be struggling to get my life in order. Never thought that while I appear to be an adult to the outside world, on the inside I'm still having problems trying to find order in this chaos. So many things that I never thought of/would happen..

Feels like a part of me died today.

I will never be perfect enough.

And knowing that.. Kills me.

I keep asking myself,

I do so much for others. I help my patients out. I help them find meaning in their lives and I help them on the path to rehabilitation. I am a friend to my patients. I listen to them rant and bitch about others. I witness them boasting about the nice things life has bestowed upon them (kids, their heydays etc). I see how patients, who used to be grumpy and mean, turn into nice and helpful people who bless others with their existence. I bring my patients on fun and enriching classes and watch them learn new skills. I look at them beam with joy whenever they master something new. I bring them relief, fun, and joy; I provide a listening ear; I lend them my company; I notice when they are feeling down and I try to cheer them up. I do so much for my patients.

But, what can I do for you? 

And I realize, in despair and disappointment and resentment (towards myself), that I can't do anything for you at all. And that thought depresses me so much no matter how I try to push it out of my head.

I am sorry. I love you. 

Tired.

Been so busy ever since I started work. Haven't really done anything much that I like - either because I am too busy, or that I am too tired. Even things that used to bring me joy (ie shopping, going out, or just watching my shows at home) are slowly losing the power it used to have over me. It is 1047pm now and I am contemplating if I should watch Bones, but I have half a mind not to because it will only end at 1140 and I probably need all the sleep that I can get.

I am so tired. 

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I think it is important that I point out that I have worked the past 5 weekends, consecutive, no less. I have to work at least another 2 more weekends ahead. Weekends are so precious to me and yet..? Sigh. I've started work for nearly 2 months and out of the 7 weekends that have passed, I've worked 6 weekends already. Only got to take a break on my second week of work (yup I worked a weekend on my first week at work). I am so tired and I really just want a break because I feel so burnt out. I actually miss going to church, not having to rush off midway during service and all that. 

I enjoy my job, yes I do, and it is really satisfying to see all your patients so happy. And I am really thankful for the nice and kind patients (I shall just ignore the nasty ones) because they really make my day. I am thankful that through my patients, I have gradually learned to cherish life and be thankful for whatever I have.

I have no idea why I am typing this. I guess I am just really tired. Oh well. Life goes on. 

 

 SOOOO APT SINCE FINALS ARE HERE :(

(via http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8649/this-is-your-body-without-sleep-infographic.html) 

In Freudian psychoanalytic theory, he states that defense mechanisms comprise of reaction formation, denial, repression, regression, compensation, projection, displacement, intellectualization.

Too bad for me, my defense mechanisms don't seem to protect me from anything anymore.

Just how long more can I deal with this shit. I am so tired I need a freaking break.

Save You

Sometimes all I really want to do is run away. From my life. I don't know why have I become so jaded about the way things are but I think it's scary how I am losing my motivation in a lot of things that I am doing. I no longer do the things I used to love. I no longer find joy in the activities that I engage in. Happiness feels very short-lived to me these days. And happiness is very easily destroyed. I don't deny the fact that most of the times, I think I'm the one causing myself to be in this misery. What a joke right, self-induced misery. I hate how my life has become and how mundane my routines are. I feel the anticipation and excitement towards life slowly creeping out of me. It's like I no longer look forward to things anymore. The hopes that I used to have for the future are diminished. The comfort I used to be able to find in things that gave me joy is gone. I really, really hate how jaded and tired of life I have become. Am I always going to feel this void that is slowly but steadily gnawing away at my soul, or will I ever be able to break out of this depressive streak? A facade will always be a facade and nothing more, but how long can one put up a pretense, really? Every day I can't help but question if this is all there is to life. Every day it feels like something inside of me dies a little.

I hate how I have become. I hate how I feel like I am treading the path of destruction. I hate how I can't do anything to change things.

How can I aspire to save people when I can't even save myself?

SCHOOL *shakes fist*

It's only the third week of school and I am wearing thin :( I am so tired I feel like I haven't had sufficient sleep in like forever and it makes me sad and grumpy :( My eyes are half-closed as I type this because I've just typed 1.5 pages worth of words that I don't understand in a Google doc. And I am watching my team-mates type bunch of words that they don't understand too. I have to wait for my group member from another module to finally edit her stuff so I can finalize it and download it and so we can use it for our presentation tomorrow. Time check - it's 1050pm and she's yet to do her part.. :(

Basically this post is to rant about school and I am really not looking forward to the coming week :'(

We Haven't Lost It All Yet

Really wanna blog but my life has been too boring of late I barely have any pictures :( Oh wait, did I just say 'my life'? Because I have no life at all... :(

Two more papers to go, and I seriously won't miss the rigor of  studying. Today I was so nervous for my paper I was trembling as I went into the exam hall. My heart was pounding so fast I thought I might have a coronary heart attack there and then..

For now I am just really tired of studying and using my brain. Can't wait for the papers to be over. I just wanna get over and done with them pronto.

Disappointment, disappointing, disappointed. Beyond words. 

So maybe I am a little tired and defeated. In fact, I'm barely hanging on. I am all out of fight, I am spent, and I am about to give up. But I don't know why something inside me wants me to continue fighting..


I swear exams always drive me crazy. Every. Single. Semester.

"We are not friends. We are strangers with shared memories."

Humans are creatures of habit. Sometimes it's really difficult to forget about something you've been doing so naturally for so long. I guess this is why we're so resistant to changes sometimes. But then I remind myself that humans are also creatures that can adapt really well.

Exams are really getting to me. Today's the last day of summer 2. Another 5 days to freedom. Finals is gonna be really insane because I've been really busy and I have barely started studying. Gotta remind myself that I can do this!

Really need a breather. Feel so defeated by life sometimes :(

August is gonna be a good month hopefully ^^ Can't wait for tomorrow (3rd August!!), 8th August (end of J's exam as well as mine!!), 10th August (hehe), and 30th August that entire weekend!!!!! August has barely started and I am alrdy looking forward to it ending hehe.

Okay byeeeee

The Asymmetry of the World Disappoints Me

It is Saturday night and I am sitting in front of my laptop staring at the screen in a  daze. My head is a jumble of thoughts as usual. I have my earphones on but I have nothing played. The noise cancelling functions makes it so quiet, the silence is making me deaf. As I type this I hear the clicking sounds on my keyboard. I have so much to do, and so little time. I keep running through my mental list over and over again and I stress myself out continuously when I think of everything that I ought to accomplish. It is an understatement when I say that summer two is a nightmare. I am so overwhelmed with work and assignments and continuous studying that I am so frustrated and unhappy. And to top it all, I feel like there's a constant burden weighing down on me. Whenever I get unhappy and frustrated I constantly remind myself that I have nothing to be unhappy about. I attempt to count my blessings but I realize that at the end of the day, this isn't the life I want. I know, here I am complaining away again about how unhappy I am with my life. Is it really so hard to be satisfied with whatever I have? I don't know why I set myself up for so much unhappiness sometimes. I haven't had a proper rest in months. MONTHS. Every time I go to bed, I all I ever get are nights of fitful rest. It's as though even when I'm asleep, my demons wouldn't stop terrorizing me. And people say that sleeping is a respite from the hustle and bustle of daily lives, right? I've come to realize that I've forgotten how sleeping well through the night feels like. I don't know what's the point in this post anymore and I have no idea why I'm typing so much rubbish. Blogging seems to be cathartic for me sometimes but I think I reveal too much of myself online sometimes. I hate these random moments of weakness.

It's funny when the people who should know you the best actually turn out to know you the least. Sometimes I wonder if I conceal my feelings too well or if they're too blinded to whatever I'm facing. Sometimes I wonder why it's so easy for people to shake off my true feelings so easily. But because of people like these I've come to learn that maybe, maybe the only person I can depend on is myself.

"Never hide your feelings and thoughts. It means death to the soul." - then my soul must have died a million times over.

I am so unhappy. I really need a break from this.

Okay random moment of weakness ends here.

Wish I knew the right things to say at the right time

What an extremely lousy Saturday spent at home doing practically nothing when I have a mid-term exam coming up in, say, 1.5 days more? Absolutely hate it when I have an impending exam coming up and I happen to be performing well within my productive curve. And as the exam approaches and the anxiety adds up, I start hating myself for not pushing myself harder and for not stopping myself from slacking when I still had ample time to study.

I think maybe I ought to not skip alcohol classes anymore and maybe even start paying attention in it. All I did was skip one damn lesson and I feel so lost now. Maybe because I haven't been paying attention during my classes at all... At the end of the day, when the entire cycle ends, I guess I only have myself to blame. As usual.

Feeling at an all time low for some reason. Like I can't even make myself feel better. Sucks to feel like this....... What's wrong with me seriously. But at the end of the day I know I will be okay. And even if I'm not I know I will still appear okay. And that's the most important, isn't it? To appear nonchalant and okay to the entire world. Random moment of weakness... I seriously hate this shit.

What if you were still here? What would things be like? How different would my life be? How different would yours be? What if I didn't do the things I did? Would our paths cross again? I have so many questions that I lack the answers to. I am my biggest enemy.

Some people can be so inconsiderate I can't even...........

My thoughts are consuming me again. I hate this.

"Why do people ask “Are you okay?” Does “I’m fine” honestly satisfy you? If so, you don’t mean what you’re asking. I mean, come on, look in my eyes, I’m not okay, you know I’m not okay. And you asking if I’m okay just reminds me of how I’m not. It’d be nice for someone to reach out a little further than just that. Instead of a question, make it a statement. You’re okay. It’s gonna be okay. This will remind people of faith and hope and that will mean so much more. We all need to look a little deeper. Nobody is ever okay."

Whatever Will Be Will Be

When I look back at my life, I marvel at things that I have gone through. No, I don't think I have lived a life that is fraught with difficulty, but I don't think I've had a particularly easy time too. It's true that I didn't grow up in poverty, never had to worry about money issues, didn't have to fight for my life, never had to campaign for peace and stability etc. But that's not what I'm talking about. Sometimes I feel like I've been through so much mental torment that it really.. Just eats you up. It's easy if the source is external.. Not so if you're the one who's generating all the unhappiness yourself, right? I think I am my biggest enemy. I used to believe that I was an outgoing, happy person - I genuinely believed so. But the older I became, the more I doubted this. Was I really that extroverted and outgoing and happy go lucky? I don't think so. My mind is a jumble of thoughts, and they never leave me to rest. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about issues that I myself can't comprehend. Sometimes these thoughts keep me up at night. I used to think majoring in psychology would be really cool 'cause I would get to know what other people thought, and maybe possibly help them. Maybe I ought to use my own knowledge to save myself before I attempt to save others. It is so difficult sometimes when your mind refuses to rest and it plagues you with millions of questions you know you will never have the answer to. It's even more difficult when people have expectations of you and you have to act the way they want you to, all the while suppressing things that are eating you up. Why is life getting so complicated? I always wished to grow up so I could have all the freedom to do all the things that I want, but now I wish I was still a little kid. Well, you win some, you lose some I guess. Hate obsessing and thinking about things that I can never ever find a solution to, or never get a closure to. It's the same as regrets, isn't it? All the things that have passed that you could make better, but I guess time stops for no one. Just gotta suck it up and move on. On the topic of regrets, I think I really ought to be a better student and buck up on my studies. Don't wanna end up regretting graduating with a mediocre Bachelors. Just three more semesters to go before I end my undergraduate life, and I don't wanna regret spending $60k only to graduate with a shitty piece of paper that I can probably print on my own. $60k, sigh. What am I doing wasting so much money on a certificate? I never used to think that having a college degree was important to succeed in life but then again, who am I kidding? In a pragmatic society like ours, even a college degree isn't enough. Masters, phd, the pursuits are endless. Just when will people be happy enough with whatever they have in life? Just when will I be happy enough with whatever I have in life? The feeling of always wanting, and seeking something else gets really frustrating sometimes. Others have said that the man who has no wants in life is the most unhappy man in the world - because then he would have nothing to look forward to, nothing to aspire for, and nothing to improve on. I used to believe in this theory, maybe two months back. But now all I really want is to be satisfied with whatever I have, and maybe just stagnate for awhile. Just a little while, and when the satisfaction gets overwhelming, I'd find something else to yearn for again. Sounds contradictory though, right? Because it's a cycle alternating between satisfaction and pursuit. There you are, back to the wanting and needing again. Life is so tiring sometimes, isn't it?

What a long chunk of words, I think it's best I stop here before I bore anyone out.

•  

I think it's high time I took my DSLR out for a walk - Instagram is too convenient sometimes, making photos look so pretty with just a swipe on the screen. I think I've forgotten how good it feels to have that solid piece of plastic/metal sitting in my hands. I'm almost certain I've forgotten how I used to have a constant need to frame photos properly before clicking the shutter button. I think I'd better go soon, before crazy Summer 2 starts. 

•  

Been very intrigued by random strangers recently.. It's like once I see them I can't forget about them. I keep having this strange need to want to go up to them and befriend them.. Too bad I'll seem like a weirdo. 

•  

I think I should really stop obsessing over things I have no control over. For all you know, it'll all turn to naught. Life loves to tease us in seemingly funny ways. 

I wish life had a manual or a cheat sheet. Why did things have to come to this? I'm really good at creating problems for myself.

Going to bed with a heavy heart, sigh.

也許未來 你會找到 懂你疼你 更好的人

 我不願讓你一個人 - 五月天 

你說呢 明知你不在 還是會問
空氣 卻不能代替你 出聲
習慣 像永不癒合 的固執傷痕
一思念就撕裂靈魂

 把相片 讓你能保存 多洗一本
毛衣 也為你準備多 一層
 但是 你孤單時刻 安慰的體溫
怎麼為你多留一份

 我不願讓你一個人 一個人在人海浮沉
我不願你獨自走過 風雨的 時分
我不願讓你一個人 承受這世界的殘忍
我不願眼淚陪你到 永恆

 你走後 愛情的遺跡 像是空城
遺落你杯子手套和 笑聲
最後 你只帶走你 脆弱和單純
和我最放不下的人
也許未來 你會找到 懂你疼你 更好的人
下段旅程 你一定要 更幸福豐盛 

我不願讓你一個人 一個人在人海浮沉
我不願你獨自走過 風雨的 時分
我不願讓你一個人 承受這世界的殘忍
我不願眼淚陪你到 永恆

 你說呢 明知你不在 還是會問
只因 習慣你滿足的 眼神
只是 我最後一個 奢求的可能
只求你有快樂人生 

只求命運 帶你去一段 全新的旅程
往幸福的天涯飛奔
別回頭就往前飛奔
請忘了我還 一個人

 I don't know why but.. Listening to this song and watching the video nearly brought me to tears :( Is it weird if I say that this is one of the saddest songs I know, but also my favorite?

 I guess the feeling of knowing that you're forgotten by someone who means the world to you really sucks. When you're the only one who's still holding on to the old promises, reliving the old memories, and laughing at all the things that happened in the past.. I don't think anything else hurts more than that. When you're barely making it through every day without that person, but yet the person is doing so fine without you. To know that you're so easily replaced.. Hurts, doesn't it?

 "When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. 

 If there's a noise, it's internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches. It trashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, a trashing, panicking, trapped, great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that's the thing about love; no one is untouchable. It's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it's silent, you're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it." 

 -If You Could See Me Now, Cecilia Ahern. 

 I blogged about this before and I just felt compelled to blog this passage again.

 It's so difficult sometimes.

I wish life were simpler. I wish things weren't so hard.

I don't know how things came to this point but I really hope it'll look up soon.

I don't think I've been this sad in a really long time. And that says a lot.