It is Saturday night and I am sitting in front of my laptop staring at the screen in a daze. My head is a jumble of thoughts as usual. I have my earphones on but I have nothing played. The noise cancelling functions makes it so quiet, the silence is making me deaf. As I type this I hear the clicking sounds on my keyboard. I have so much to do, and so little time. I keep running through my mental list over and over again and I stress myself out continuously when I think of everything that I ought to accomplish. It is an understatement when I say that summer two is a nightmare. I am so overwhelmed with work and assignments and continuous studying that I am so frustrated and unhappy. And to top it all, I feel like there's a constant burden weighing down on me. Whenever I get unhappy and frustrated I constantly remind myself that I have nothing to be unhappy about. I attempt to count my blessings but I realize that at the end of the day, this isn't the life I want. I know, here I am complaining away again about how unhappy I am with my life. Is it really so hard to be satisfied with whatever I have? I don't know why I set myself up for so much unhappiness sometimes. I haven't had a proper rest in months. MONTHS. Every time I go to bed, I all I ever get are nights of fitful rest. It's as though even when I'm asleep, my demons wouldn't stop terrorizing me. And people say that sleeping is a respite from the hustle and bustle of daily lives, right? I've come to realize that I've forgotten how sleeping well through the night feels like. I don't know what's the point in this post anymore and I have no idea why I'm typing so much rubbish. Blogging seems to be cathartic for me sometimes but I think I reveal too much of myself online sometimes. I hate these random moments of weakness.
It's funny when the people who should know you the best actually turn out to know you the least. Sometimes I wonder if I conceal my feelings too well or if they're too blinded to whatever I'm facing. Sometimes I wonder why it's so easy for people to shake off my true feelings so easily. But because of people like these I've come to learn that maybe, maybe the only person I can depend on is myself.
"Never hide your feelings and thoughts. It means death to the soul." - then my soul must have died a million times over.
I am so unhappy. I really need a break from this.
Okay random moment of weakness ends here.
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