Too tired, too grumpy, too unmotivated to study for my final two papers of my undergraduate life. I can't believe this is all coming to an end because I don't want to graduate and go work :(

I am so tired I should be studying but my mind isn't working ffffffff :(

SCHOOL *shakes fist*

It's only the third week of school and I am wearing thin :( I am so tired I feel like I haven't had sufficient sleep in like forever and it makes me sad and grumpy :( My eyes are half-closed as I type this because I've just typed 1.5 pages worth of words that I don't understand in a Google doc. And I am watching my team-mates type bunch of words that they don't understand too. I have to wait for my group member from another module to finally edit her stuff so I can finalize it and download it and so we can use it for our presentation tomorrow. Time check - it's 1050pm and she's yet to do her part.. :(

Basically this post is to rant about school and I am really not looking forward to the coming week :'(

Really in need of some serious retail therapy :(

Been feeling so mehh and blehh over my life - it's like school's sucking the life out of me. I can't help but complain about Fall 2011, it's really the worst sem ever :( It's like sucking so much out of me that I feel like I barely have time for anything else.
Even though I've no exams for these few weeks, there's so much to accomplish every single week. Labs, research papers, presentations and what not.

Sometimes I feel so pissed with myself 'cause it feels like no matter what happens, I'm never satisfied with my life. But then again I really subscribe to the view that people who are satisfied aren't working hard enough. There's always something else to look forward to, a new goal to work towards. To me, these people have, in the words of Zig Ziglar (hahahaha PSY much), reached a goal plateau. I don't wanna reach a goal plateau.. What else is there to work for like that? :/ Thoughts of a workaholic. This is terrible. I think I'm causing my own misery hahahaha. This is stupid! I am getting so incoherent oh gosh.

I watched You Are The Apple Of My Eye for the second time today. It is, in my opinion a really good memory. I teared up at the same place both times -_- I am such a loser. Kinda missing the past and my childhood and the days of innocence. Okay I sound damn old hahaha.

Trying to make changes to my lifestyle! Living healthier (meaning exercising more regularly and eating healthily) and fostering better relationships with others. I talked to my grandma on the phone today. She's so adorable! Glad to know I have her dreams ehehehe.

Okay damn incoherent. This post is to make myself feel better about the lousy posts (the previous where I plonked random songs down) I blogged previously. Gotta upload photos soon! Where shall I start??

The Cab - Bad

It feels just like it was yesterday
We were in love, was I falling apart?
I've never been one to walk away
But I've had enough and it's breaking my heart

Because you love me just the way that you should
It's nothing that you do, no, it's nothing you say
Yeah, baby, I know that you're good
But I don't want a good girl, no, not today

'Cause I want it bad
I want a bad girl, baby, bad
I want a love that's crazy, yeah
I want a bad girl, baby, bad, I want it bad

I want a girl who stays out too late
And when I call, she doesn't answer the phone
Oh, I want a girl who likes it her way
And through it all, I know I'll end up alone

Yeah, yeah, you love me just the way that you should
It's nothing that you do, no, no, it's nothing you say
Oh pretty baby, I know that you're good
But I don't want a good girl, no, not today

'Cause I want it bad
I want a bad girl, baby, bad
I want a love that's crazy, yeah
I wanna fight

I wanna rock and roll and party all night
Yeah, I want it bad
I want a bad girl, baby, bad
I want it bad

I'm getting sick of predictable
Tired, vapid, logical
Oh yeah, I gotta shake it up tonight

Yeah girl, I want something physical
Not something invincible
Oh yeah, I'm tired of being good, let's be bad

I want a bad girl, baby, bad
I want a love that's crazy, yeah
I want a bad girl, baby, bad
I want a love that's crazy, yeah

I wanna fight
I wanna rock and roll and party all night
Yeah, I want it bad

I want a bad girl, baby, bad
I want a love that's crazy, yeah
I wanna fight

I wanna rock and roll and party all night
Yeah, I want it bad

• 
  

Funny how I randomly think about that particular conversation we had.. You probably don't realize the reasons behind my questions but all I wanted was for you to ask me to stay. You didn't even seem to flinch when I told you I was gonna leave for at least 6 months. I guess people really do change, and this fact brings an ache to my heart. It was my fault, and I have no one else to blame.

You don't care anymore. I know that. Thinking back, I should have realized. But.. I thought you were different. Guess not. All you had to do was ask me back and I'd come running back to you but you were probably too intent on drowning your sorrows in alcohol..

2 years on and I'm still atoning for a mistake I made that fateful night. Hate how I say I'm not gonna give a damn but in the end I still do. This is stupid :'(

I'm falling sick...

And I can feel it :(

Here's why:

I'm constantly tired and my nose started running for no reason (no I do not have sinus/there wasn't any dust around so it wasn't my allergies acting up), I have a super pain ulcer on the inner side of my bottom lip, my back is super sore, frequent headaches, and my throat is starting to feel sore. :(

It's only the second week of Fall this cannot be happening to me :'( I absolutely abhor morning classes.. I look like death every single morning sighhhh!

Would love to blog proper but I've not transferred photos over/not really in the mood to do so :/ Alright I'll do it now..

Don't you wanna stay

If there's one thing in the world that I absolutely hate, it'll be uncertainty.

I hate uncertainty and I hate mind games, seriously they're not my kinda thing.

If you wanna tell me something, be straightforward and tell me straight in my face. Don't beat around the bush and go in one whole round to tell me something that's so easy.

I've no time and patience for mind games seriously :@

I swear I drive myself crazy thinking about things sometimes seriously.

I wish I wasn't so anal about some stuff and I could stop wishing people'd live up to my expectations.

Yknow like how it pisses me off when I see people having grammatical errors in formal emails and stuff like that? It annoys me that they don't take the effort to read through it and pick out the typos before they send it out ):

But I've to constantly remind myself that not everyone lives up to my ridiculous expectations sighhh sucks to be me sometimes seriously.

I'm so stressed I swear school is getting to me. The workload and everything D:

I want a holiday I need to take a breather seriously. I don't know how long I can continue to press on. Granted school is good with my friends and all but

Whatever's going on repeat on my iTunes playlist -

Don't You Wanna Stay - Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson

I really hate to let this moment go, touching your skin and your hair falling slow,

When a goodbye kiss, feels like this

Don't you wanna stay here a little while,
Don't you wanna hold each other tight,
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight,
Don't you wanna stay here a little while,
We can make forever feel this way,
Don't you wanna stay

Let's take it slow I don't want to move to fast,
I Don't wanna just make love, I wanna make love last,

When your off this cab, It's a sad goodbye.......

Don't you wanna stay here a little while,
Don't you wanna hold each other tight,
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight,

Don't you wanna stay here a little while,
We can make forever feel this way,
Don't you wanna stay

Oh yeah!
Oh it feels so perfect baby..
Don't you wanna stay here a little while..

Don't you wanna stay here a little while,
Don't you wanna hold each other tight,
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight,
Don't you wanna stay here a little while,
We can make forever feel this way,
Don't you wanna stay

Don't you wanna stay.....
Yeah Yeah Yeahhh
Yeah Yeah Yeahhh

My face damn fat! ):

^^

I'm hungry craving for prata + alcohol now.. Weird :/

You wear your heart on your sleeve, I throw mine to the sky.

I can't stop thinking about Monday. What did that mean? And then.. The subsequent days that followed. No seriously, tell me what do you want? I don't play mind games. I don't have the time and the patience to play mind games with you.

I feel like giving up so badly I don't wanna hang on to whatever we have anymore. Maybe I should just disappear from your life so you can finally make a decision. Maybe you won't notice I'm gone. Maybe you would, but you wouldn't say anything. Knowing you, it's possible.

I like you, and that scares me.

I love this song! It speaks so well to me.

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know

Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wastin' my time

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do, yeah

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through, yeah
Know there's no life after you

Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you, yeah

When everything's nothing without you.

Omg ): I was called a Historian yesterday by the most unimaginable person (yes seriously..) and sigh. ):

I know I shouldn't do this but I keep running back to the past. It's like I'm torturing myself, but yet I'm trying to seek solace in those memories.

Things that I gave up with my bare hands.

What is wrong with me ): Why am I doing this to myself. It's been so long but I'm still torturing myself with guilt and questions. SIGH. I keep telling myself to move on but seriously? It's not working. Omg kill me ):

What happened?

Feels pretty impossible right now.

So sick of my life I wish I could stop being me for a moment.

)':

I'm so sad. If I think about this a moment longer I might go mad..

What's wrong with me and why can't I just move on. This isn't healthy.

Why am I being so unkind to myself? Why aren't my efforts working?

I'm trying, I'm trying my best.

It feels like no matter what I do, it's all wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like the next step I do will cause me to falter and fail..

Sometimes I wonder if people even bother about how you feel and if they even bothered to ask. Or maybe they're just too caught up in themselves to even give a damn. Where's the sense of selflessness and where's the sense of care? It feels like it's all disappeared.

I don't know anymore, why don't you tell me what to feel and think.

I'm so sick of letting my heart rule over my head and I'm so sick of feeling bad.

Will the people who are gone from our lives ever know how sorry we are?

It's the third of December now. Do you still remember what you did last year, this time?

I still do.

Heart Heart Heartbreak.

Nights like this when I think back about the past and I think about you and I regret letting you go. But it's too late, because you're already gone.

And regardless of whatever guilt I face, things will never ever be the same again.

Do you ever regret not trying hard enough to make me stay? Do you ever wish I didn't just pack up and leave? Do you ever face these sleepless nights like I do, and you start thinking and you come up with these what-ifs scenarios?

I do, and I still wonder if you do.

Nights like this when I think back and realize I've probably made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I should have never ventured, never tried. I should have stayed clear out of your vision and out of your view. I should have never entered your life. I should have never been so brutal and forthright. I should have never done whatever I had done.

Nights like these when I know I should just move on, move on and stop thinking back. I know it's time to stop thinking when things don't matter anymore. It's been nearly a year, Sam, and look where you are. You're back at square one, thinking about questions that probably have no answers.

Yes I'm still stuck in the past.

And I'm never going back there again. I swear.

Tumblr can express my feelings so well sometimes I swear I can cry just browsing through Tumblrs.

Yes I wish you were here.

I miss you so, you have no idea how much.

Don't wanna wake up to Monday.......

I went to one of the Tumblrs that I read frequently...

And I was greeted by a picture of a nude model.

WHAT.

It's Monday tomorrow and Seowy's leaving for a month ):

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

If I can wait, and if you can put me through all the agony of constantly waiting for you...

Well then you can do the same for me too, no?

I guess a big part of what we are is that we're prone to hurting the people who matter the most.

We let them down continuously because we think that regardless of what happens, they will always be there, at the end of the day, ready to embrace us.

What we fail to notice is that one day, everyone gets tired of waiting and being second best that they just pack up and leave.

And it'll be a matter of time that I leave too.

I don't know what is it about me that allows people to think that I am content with being second best. Is it my behavior and the way I treat them? Or is it because they know that I'll always be tolerant towards them?

I have a limit too. I may not be nice to some strangers but I can be extremely tolerant towards my friends and closed ones. But that doesn't mean you can overstep the limit and test my patience.

I am sick and tired of being second best. But oh, I forgot.... You don't really give a damn.

Truth is I am done pretending.

Hanging by a moment.

Can't wait for Friday 'cos it'll signify the end of mid-terms for subjects that I actually have to study for. I can't believe it's only the first semester but I already feel so drained. School just seems to make me more tired Idk why, I feel so tired constantly ):

After Psych mid-terms are over, I'll have to start doing my ESL assignments. See, school is never-ending! ):

Other than (the tougher) mid-terms ending, I can't see what else is there worth looking forward to in the following week. Seowy'll be leaving on Monday for a month (super big sad face here please), and I'll be alone for a month. I guess I should think positively! I shall ask all my friends that I don't really get to see out (: Shall look forward to breakfast with John, meals with Bestf and shopping with Felina and so much more! Guess the only good thing about Seowy leaving is that I'll have much more time on my hands to meet up with my other (army) friends so I won't have to reserve the weekends for him for this month. Other than that... Nothing else is good I guess. Nevertheless, I shall be positive! This'll be a good test for us, and I know we'll make it through. Nobody said it was easy, but things'll definitely get less tough.

On a lighter note, Seowy had night out today and we had dinner together. I really look forward to these nights out because it's a refreshing change to see him on a weekday night rather than on the weekends! We had dinner @ Cafe Cartel and I ate my baked pasta :D I was being a pig last night and had a craving and I satisfied it today! :D Happy ^^

Alright so for now it's time to hit the books and study. I'm really worried for psych mid-terms to be honest, but I know there's nothing I can really do but to try my best and leave to God the rest.

Pictures soooooon! I'll probably post photos on Friday or something!

And why're people viewing my blog but not tagging other than for those spam ): I'm so hurt. hahaha kidding.

What a way to start my already horrible weekend..

Now my iTouch can't even be restored by my laptop, I've lost all the things in there.

The notes I made on the Bible, notes that I typed in my iPod, photos that I saved, they're all gone.

I feel like my memories have been erased too.

Sigh I'm damn miserable now.

I know it sounds like I'm making a big fuss out of nothing, but YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I've loads of things saved on my iTouch that cannot be backed up. You teach me how to backup my notes? They can't be backed up. And now.. Everything's gone. I can't even turn on my iTouch. It's just this damn screen that keeps showing up. And the error messages that show up time and again. Sigh. All my memories.

I'm going to sit in a corner and cry. I've been trying to restore it for 2h+ already and I'm not getting any results. Can this weekend get any worse?

I need you now. Where're you baby):

):

Hello ): all the songs from my iTouch disappeared and no matter what I do I can't get it to sync back onto Momo.

I'm sad now ):

Can't fight this.

I hate this. I think I'm lapsing back into the evil cycle of being happy temporarily and then being sad for the bulk of the time again.

I don't know what's wrong, I really can't figure things out.

I hate reflecting over my life and thinking over every little detail and then getting upset because of the way things are turning out in my life. I hate it. But I can't help it. Because I tend to think too much. And.. That sucks.

I don't want to be caught in this cycle anymore. I hate it. But I can't fight it.

Some people just have time for all the people in the world except you. Even if they make up a big part in your lives. Just because you can put them as your priority doesn't necessarily mean they'll do the same. Sad fact of life.

I don't want to pretend like I'm happy and enthusiastic and friendly and lively anymore when that's the last thing I'm feeling. I don't want to have to put on a facade and try to be happy just to please people. I don't want to act. I don't want to try. I want to cry when I feel like it, laugh when I want to, smile when I'm happy and do things my way. I don't want to pretend anymore.

I hate it. I hate this.

Today I started thinking about things again and I realized that no one's going to be there forever. People die, people leave, people move on. Best friends don't last forever, relationships can come to an end and families can still break up. Sad fact of life.

Wtf am I typing. I hate being emo. Sighhhh.

I think I'm just getting intimidated by life and all the changes that I'm going to have to face and so I'm posting all these emo thoughts. CANNOT. BE. SCARED. No matter what happens, life goes on.

Yifang just asked me why am I so sensitive. Idk why either....... I've been thinking quite a lot ever since Sunday after I nearly got knocked down. WHY?!

Dear laptop,

tonight it's just you and me through the night and no one else.

The only people you need in your life are those that need you.

Long wordy post ahead, please skip if you don't wanna read. Thanks!

I think my blog's one of the very few avenues I have to really express my feelings and write out everything I want. I don't stick to a diary because I'm too lazy to write long entries and typing's so much easier than writing. But sometimes I think I'm getting too open on the internet with all the things and accounts I use, like Facebook, Twitter, a blog, Tumblr and etc. But I still can't resist writing here. Maybe I just want to share my feelings. Maybe. But sometimes I get pressurized by Nuffnang and I feel so compelled to blog about something that'd attract more people to come read so that I can earn more money if they ever click on my ads, but then it hit me again that maybe that's not what I want. When I started blogging in 2005, which is like 5 years back, my posts all centred on what I really wanted to blog about. I still have that blog, anyway. And when I'm really bored and I have nothing to do, I read through my posts and I laugh at my childishness when I was like 13 or 14. I write about my crushes and gush over them, I do silly quizzes with all the retarded answers. I guess that's the innocence of being a kid. When you grow up, things get complicated, and you realize you can't do things that you want to without having to face repercussions. Like how one of my posts (okay la more than one) last year had so much drawback and it affected the lives of other people and then I realized that I can't even blog what I want anymore. Come to think of it, I think I'm so much braver last time than I am now. I still can't figure out why wasn't I scared that my crush might come across my blog and see me gushing over him! Imagine how paiseh that would be! I still remember having a crush on A____ (ahem hahaha) and he knew my blog link and I actually posted up his photos! Omg I was such a stalker back then. Really crazy.

Okay I'm getting off tangent. All I wanna say is, I wish I had that childlike bravery (or rather innocence) again so I can type whatever I want without giving a damn. But I don't anymore. Older and wiser (hopefully) and less innocent and more aware of consequences. Oh well, life.

Sidetrack.

I nearly got knocked down by a white BMW today (you should know if you're following my tweets!) and I had the right of way. I was crossing at the traffic lights behind Taka to get to my bus stop, and I was already halfway across the road (green man btw) when some asshole sped pass me WITHOUT STOPPING. He didn't even hesitate. Wth the car was about 10 - 15cm away from me AND I COULD FEEL THE WIND FROM THE DAMN CAR. The asshole was speeding btw. If I was faster by ONE MORE STEP, I'd have gone to meet my maker. Crazy bitch. YOU WHITE BMW 3/5 SERIES (I COULDN'T TELL BECAUSE THAT ASSHOLE DROVE SO QUICKLY), I WILL REMEMBER YOU FOR LIFE. THIS I PROMISE YOU.

Okay back to main topic. Urgh. (Wth actually I kinda forgot what I wanted to type about alr because I got distracted talking to people online WTH LOSER MAX)

I hate it when I'm put in a position where I can't help but compare the past with the present, which is what I had and what I have. I hate that. It makes me feel so guilty but sometimes I can't help it. I've only told one person about this and I can't believe I'm actually blogging this out, but whateverrr. It just makes me feel like I'm a loser because I can't let go of the past and move on with life. It's like I don't want to admit my fate and I refuse to face up to reality and that's retarded. I know I should let go of the past and look to the future and accept things the way it is but sometimes it's so hard. Do you ever feel that way too? I hate having that stupid what-if mentality although I know the questions will remain unanswered. Like, what if I tried harder? What if I didn't do that, would things be different now? and stuff like that. I really hate it. But it's so hard. And sometimes I find myself running back to the past to seek some solace and comfort, but I know it's so so wrong. ): This is such a big problem for me and I think I've to learn how to conquer it. I need to know that the past is over and it will never come back, no matter what I do. The future can only be brighter than the past. I must believe in this.

Sidetrack again.

I miss my bestf ): I saw some guy that looked like him today (just that bestf is better looking, seriously no joke hahahah) and it just reminded me of him and so I texted him. Surprisingly he replied with such high efficiency (that's a first in 7 yearssss) and it just dawned upon me how much we've drifted apart and I felt really sad. I used to see him everyday for 6 years (actually not really since that ass always ponned school, and when we went to JC I started ponning too!) and now I don't even see him once in 6 weeks and that really makes me sad ): I've so much to tell him about, so much to bitch about, so much to do with him. I miss you bestf ):

Sometimes I think I've too many regrets in my life. But life is too short to keep looking back and regretting (emphasis back to point 1 please) and wondering what would happen had I taken a different path. Would my life be different now? Certainly. But so what? The fact is that I didn't take that particular path and my life is totally different now. But no I'm not bitter about the way my life turned out. I know things are like this for a reason, I know God's putting me wherever He wants me to be because He has plans - plans that I may not be able to understand now, but will be grateful for in the future.

I've been reminded recently about the unpredictability of life and I think it's unsettling ): Wth this post is like more of me whining about how I hate my life BUT I ACTUALLY DON'T. Things I/we never expected happened, and I still can't believe it, but ah well life. I think only I understand what I'm posting about. I'm getting so incoherent I have no idea why sigh. ): I just feel sad for my friends that's all.

I'm starting school soon and I've orientation camp and I'm apprehensive. I'm fearful of the unknown because Idk what it'll bring. It's this feeling of.. Looking forward yet being scared. Yknow that kinda feeling? But I can't wait for school. I'm sick of this slacking lifeeee D: But I know I'll complain when I start school. Humans are so hard to please hahaha.

I don't know what to blog anymore. I'm getting so off tangent and I'm more of like ranting aimlessly than really trying to express my feelings ): and these feelings are really bogging me down sigh. I. NEED. SOMEONE. TO. TALK. TO. But F's away and the rest aren't online. And the person I kinda really wanna talk to.. I shouldn't talk to him. For what, right? And some other people, Idk what're they doing.

Sigh I just wanna curl up into a ball and hide somewhere and cry all my fears/thoughts away. I don't wanna fall into a routine of being sad and caught up in my thoughts again. I hate that.