I think my blog's one of the very few avenues I have to really express my feelings and write out everything I want. I don't stick to a diary because I'm too lazy to write long entries and typing's so much easier than writing. But sometimes I think I'm getting too open on the internet with all the things and accounts I use, like Facebook, Twitter, a blog, Tumblr and etc. But I still can't resist writing here. Maybe I just want to share my feelings. Maybe. But sometimes I get pressurized by Nuffnang and I feel so compelled to blog about something that'd attract more people to come read so that I can earn more money if they ever click on my ads, but then it hit me again that maybe that's not what I want. When I started blogging in 2005, which is like 5 years back, my posts all centred on what I really wanted to blog about. I still have that blog, anyway. And when I'm really bored and I have nothing to do, I read through my posts and I laugh at my childishness when I was like 13 or 14. I write about my crushes and gush over them, I do silly quizzes with all the retarded answers. I guess that's the innocence of being a kid. When you grow up, things get complicated, and you realize you can't do things that you want to without having to face repercussions. Like how one of my posts (okay la more than one) last year had so much drawback and it affected the lives of other people and then I realized that I can't even blog what I want anymore. Come to think of it, I think I'm so much braver last time than I am now. I still can't figure out why wasn't I scared that my crush might come across my blog and see me gushing over him! Imagine how paiseh that would be! I still remember having a crush on A____ (ahem hahaha) and he knew my blog link and I actually posted up his photos! Omg I was such a stalker back then. Really crazy.
Okay I'm getting off tangent. All I wanna say is, I wish I had that childlike bravery (or rather innocence) again so I can type whatever I want without giving a damn. But I don't anymore. Older and wiser (hopefully) and less innocent and more aware of consequences. Oh well, life.
Sidetrack.
I nearly got knocked down by a white BMW today (you should know if you're following my tweets!) and I had the right of way. I was crossing at the traffic lights behind Taka to get to my bus stop, and I was already halfway across the road (green man btw) when some asshole sped pass me WITHOUT STOPPING. He didn't even hesitate. Wth the car was about 10 - 15cm away from me AND I COULD FEEL THE WIND FROM THE DAMN CAR. The asshole was speeding btw. If I was faster by ONE MORE STEP, I'd have gone to meet my maker. Crazy bitch. YOU WHITE BMW 3/5 SERIES (I COULDN'T TELL BECAUSE THAT ASSHOLE DROVE SO QUICKLY), I WILL REMEMBER YOU FOR LIFE. THIS I PROMISE YOU.
Okay back to main topic. Urgh. (Wth actually I kinda forgot what I wanted to type about alr because I got distracted talking to people online WTH LOSER MAX)
I hate it when I'm put in a position where I can't help but compare the past with the present, which is what I had and what I have. I hate that. It makes me feel so guilty but sometimes I can't help it. I've only told one person about this and I can't believe I'm actually blogging this out, but whateverrr. It just makes me feel like I'm a loser because I can't let go of the past and move on with life. It's like I don't want to admit my fate and I refuse to face up to reality and that's retarded. I know I should let go of the past and look to the future and accept things the way it is but sometimes it's so hard. Do you ever feel that way too? I hate having that stupid what-if mentality although I know the questions will remain unanswered. Like, what if I tried harder? What if I didn't do that, would things be different now? and stuff like that. I really hate it. But it's so hard. And sometimes I find myself running back to the past to seek some solace and comfort, but I know it's so so wrong. ): This is such a big problem for me and I think I've to learn how to conquer it. I need to know that the past is over and it will never come back, no matter what I do. The future can only be brighter than the past. I must believe in this.
Sidetrack again.
I miss my bestf ): I saw some guy that looked like him today (just that bestf is better looking, seriously no joke hahahah) and it just reminded me of him and so I texted him. Surprisingly he replied with such high efficiency (that's a first in 7 yearssss) and it just dawned upon me how much we've drifted apart and I felt really sad. I used to see him everyday for 6 years (actually not really since that ass always ponned school, and when we went to JC I started ponning too!) and now I don't even see him once in 6 weeks and that really makes me sad ): I've so much to tell him about, so much to bitch about, so much to do with him. I miss you bestf ):
Sometimes I think I've too many regrets in my life. But life is too short to keep looking back and regretting (emphasis back to point 1 please) and wondering what would happen had I taken a different path. Would my life be different now? Certainly. But so what? The fact is that I didn't take that particular path and my life is totally different now. But no I'm not bitter about the way my life turned out. I know things are like this for a reason, I know God's putting me wherever He wants me to be because He has plans - plans that I may not be able to understand now, but will be grateful for in the future.
I've been reminded recently about the unpredictability of life and I think it's unsettling ): Wth this post is like more of me whining about how I hate my life BUT I ACTUALLY DON'T. Things I/we never expected happened, and I still can't believe it, but ah well life. I think only I understand what I'm posting about. I'm getting so incoherent I have no idea why sigh. ): I just feel sad for my friends that's all.
I'm starting school soon and I've orientation camp and I'm apprehensive. I'm fearful of the unknown because Idk what it'll bring. It's this feeling of.. Looking forward yet being scared. Yknow that kinda feeling? But I can't wait for school. I'm sick of this slacking lifeeee D: But I know I'll complain when I start school. Humans are so hard to please hahaha.
I don't know what to blog anymore. I'm getting so off tangent and I'm more of like ranting aimlessly than really trying to express my feelings ): and these feelings are really bogging me down sigh. I. NEED. SOMEONE. TO. TALK. TO. But F's away and the rest aren't online. And the person I kinda really wanna talk to.. I shouldn't talk to him. For what, right? And some other people, Idk what're they doing.
Sigh I just wanna curl up into a ball and hide somewhere and cry all my fears/thoughts away. I don't wanna fall into a routine of being sad and caught up in my thoughts again. I hate that.
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