Never ever in my entire life, have I laid down my pride so much for someone before. I have never apologized so much before in my entire life, I have never ever blamed and faulted myself so much before in my entire life. I can't even remember the number of 'fucks' that were thrown at me last night. Yes, it was my fault that I said 'wtf' first out of sheer exasperation because you refused to listen to my explanations. Yes, it was also my fault that I told you to 'fuck off' after all that you said to me. But I have apologized and apologized like hell for it, and you choose to hold on to it. If I didn't care about your feelings, I wouldn't have asked you if you were okay with it. Do you know how much I've changed for you? I never ever used to do shit like this. I did whatever I wanted, without being restricted. You, you were the one who mindfucked me so badly, made me feel like everything was my fault. You were the one who brought up all the other girls who were constantly asking you out, you were the one who chose to hurt me with your vengeful words, you were the one who made me feel like EVERY SINGLE THING I did for us was bullshit.
Maybe the timing was bad that I brought it up. Maybe it was my fault for ruining your birthday AND your CNY. I don't deny that, it's my fault. I apologized for that, begged for you to stop being angry, laid down my fucking ego only to have you constantly hurl vulgarities at me. Do I not deserve better than that? I initiated it, but even after I stopped it and I apologized, you were the one who kept going on and on and on.
I am sorry, I really really am sorry for fucking up your special day. I am sorry the timing wasn't ideal but I don't think it's my fault because I never intended to piss you off, I asked because I truly, genuinely cared about your feelings and if you weren't okay with it, I wouldn't go. You said you hated being misunderstood - so do I. I wasn't even given a chance to explain myself, you said everything I said was laced with sarcasm and bullshit.
Tomorrow is chu san, we were supposed to go bai nian at your granny's. I was so excited and nervous, and it's all fucking ruined now. Not sure if it's my fault or yours, but I know we'll never ever be able to get over this no matter what happens. You said you'd always be here to shelter me and protect me, but you never ever taught me what to do if you were the one hurting me. It was all lies, and I finally see it now. We barely have time together and you choose to be angry and not spend whatever little time we have together. We aren't like others, we don't have this luxury of time together. Why can't you fucking understand that?
You can choose to be angry or to forgive and move on. Today, you chose anger over fighting for us and trying to make things right. Today, I chose to live for myself and not make you the priority of my life anymore. All the times I planned my social schedule around you, all the times I OT-ed unnecessarily just so I could go down to OC to see you at the end of a fucking long and tiring day. You have fucking lost me and you'll never get me back, never ever. I've been a fool for you countless of times in these past weeks, and I'll never allow you to trample on my feelings, ever again. Today, I choose myself.
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